


Would You Still Love Me If

by ang_the_adverse



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angry Viktor, Angst, Anxiety, Arguments, Episode 11, Fluff, GPF, M/M, Viktor's POV, being the partner of someone with anxiety, dealing with "we should end this", resolutions, self doubt, spelling it 'Viktor', the nut bag, viktor loves yuuri a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 21:54:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8914300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ang_the_adverse/pseuds/ang_the_adverse
Summary: Yuuri’s doubts had much lower real life stakes than murder, but Yuuri was still uncertain of the answers. “Would you still love me if I don’t get the hang of this fast enough?” “Would you still love me if I don’t get gold?” “Would you still love me if I don’t get on the podium?” “Would you still love me if I retired right now?” “Would you still love me if someone more attractive made an offer?” “Would you still love me if someone more promising wanted you to be their coach?”Viktor could sometimes sense when the questions flitted through Yuuri’s head. But Yuuri wasn’t five, and he wasn’t talking about things he already knew would never happen. Yuuri didn’t voice any of his questions, so Viktor couldn’t answer them.





	

When Viktor was five, or thereabouts, he played the game “would you still love me if” with his mother.

 

“Would you still love me if I said the words you said I can’t say?”

 

“Would you still love me if I stole something?”

 

“Would you still love me if I killed someone?”

 

He remembers tiring of this game once he had run through the worst things his five-year-old brain could think of, and his mother had said ‘yes’ to each one.

 

Viktor felt like this game has begun again, with him taking the role of his mother. The difference is that Yuuri neither asked his questions out loud, nor did he immediately leap to the worst things he could possibly do.

 

There is no “would you still love me if I killed someone?”

 

“Would you still love me if I cheated on you?”

 

“Would you still love me if I stole Macchakin from you?”

 

Yuuri’s doubts had much lower real life stakes than murder, but Yuuri was still uncertain of the answers.

 

“Would you still love me if I don’t get the hang of this fast enough?”

 

“Would you still love me if I don’t get gold?”

 

“Would you still love me if I don’t get on the podium?”

 

“Would you still love me if I retired right now?”

 

“Would you still love me if someone more attractive made an offer?”

 

“Would you still love me if someone more promising wanted you to be their coach?”

 

Viktor could sometimes sense when the questions flitted through Yuuri’s head. But Yuuri wasn’t five, and he wasn’t talking about things he already knew would never happen. Yuuri didn’t voice any of his questions, so Viktor couldn’t answer them.

 

Some of the questions Viktor sensed were, frankly, insulting. Viktor had invested as hard as he could in their relationship; he had spent his season off focused entirely on the other skater, he had given the man an engagement ring and been the one to announce said engagement to their fellow skaters and Yuuri’s sister and ballet coach. If his love for Yuuri could be swayed by someone flirting with him, or vary based entirely on Yuuri’s performance on the ice, he would not have done any of these things. He doesn’t know what else he can do to indicate to Yuuri the depth of his feelings. All his eggs were already in one basket. All his focus was on Yuuri.

 

Viktor felt like a failure.

 

In Yuuri’s view of the world their relationship was temporary. Uncertain. Viktor had tried as hard as possible to be _present_ for Yuuri, to offer any kind of relationship Yuuri wanted, to show his pride in Yuuri, to be there when Yuuri wanted to talk.

 

And it wasn’t good enough.

 

Viktor wasn’t good enough.

 

How untrustworthy must he appear, that even after announcing their engagement, even after kissing Yuuri on national television, even after their matching golden rings had been put on display to the world, Yuuri didn’t believe Viktor wanted to be with him forever?

 

Yuuri must have a very poor opinion of his character if he thought Viktor could so easily abandon what they had built together.

 

He didn’t know what to do.

 

When he asked what Yuuri wanted from him, Yuuri insisted he wanted Viktor to be himself. Viktor had tried to follow that impulse. Part of who Viktor was now was someone-who-loves-Yuuri. He’d been that person. The person who went with Yuuri on dates, who stood transfixed at the rinkside every competition, who sometimes watched Yuuri sleep. But apparently that person wasn’t enough.

 

More than anything, Viktor wanted to see Yuuri fully know, believe in, trust in the love that surrounded him. At Yuuri’s press conference in Japan Viktor had thought he had revealed a new belief in that love. But his trust in Viktor didn’t seem to have solidified into anything. Maybe that press conference had been more about Yuuri’s family and friends than it had been about Viktor.

 

And Viktor could see the “would you still love me”s arising in such fickle situations sometimes.

 

Yuuri had lost a bag of nuts in the previous night, and Viktor had seen the question flashing like a neon light behind Yuuri’s eyes. It was so frustrating. At that point Viktor had felt offended. _Who would be so cruel as to fall out of love over a bag of nuts?_ He thought. _Is that the man you think I am? A man that cruel?_ But Yuuri was freaking out and anxious and it was the night before the Grand Prix Final. It would be selfish to ask that kind of question now.

 

So Viktor had squashed his hurt feelings. He didn’t think they’d be helpful here.

 

It had taken him about twenty minutes to stop feeling put upon, and start trying to be the best and most supportive boyfriend. To love away Yuuri’s questions.

 

He’d given Yuuri the engagement ring he’d been carrying for the last month.

 

He’d told Yuuri he didn’t mind what he chose to skate the next day.

 

He’d spoken of Yuuri winning gold as a given, because either way Viktor (and hopefully everyone else) knew he had the skill, whether it was shown to it’s full advantage over the next few days or not. Yuuri was as good as any gold medallist. Better. Yuuri could win gold over and over, and manage to inspire countless more skaters to go for gold after he retired. Every gold medal won by a skater inspired by Yuuri would be another accolade, another, important, part of his legacy.

 

Yuri had placed fourth on the first day of the Grand Prix.

 

And he had tried to break up with Viktor.

 

“We should end this.”

 

Hurt and frustration flared in Viktor’s chest. There was no longer even a question behind Yuuri’s eyes. He’d answered the question for Viktor.

 

“ _Would you still love me if_?” “ _No. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t love you anymore.”_

 

“No,” Viktor said aloud.

 

He remembered the only piece of coaching that had seemed to work with Yuuri. Shattering his world.

 

Viktor was angry enough to make that decision again.

 

“You think I’m so weak willed to want to leave you but not to have done so? Who do you think you’re talking to? Do you think I’ve ever simply done what someone else wanted me to do?”

 

Yuuri’s scared-but-certain expression had fallen off of his face. Replaced by pure shock.

 

“Listen to me very carefully. I do what I want. Even if other people doubt my decisions to begin with. I have never been wrong. Do you understand? Every decision Yakov and the public have doubted has ended with a gold medal. Do you think so little of me? Do you think I’m wrong now?”

 

Yuuri stared back for a second, as though he had to listen back in his head to what Viktor had said to him.

 

“Yes.” Yuuri’s voice was soft. “I’m in fourth and twenty points behind Yurio.”

 

“Then you’re an idiot,” Viktor answered, grabbing Yuuri’s right hand. “Because either way, this ends with gold.”

 

Viktor’s voice sounded harsh. The silence seemed overwhelming now he had stopped talking.

 

The ring on Yuuri’s finger sparkled between the two men.

 

Viktor stared at it thoughtfully. In the twenty-four hours they’d been wearing the rings, Viktor still hadn’t got over their appearance. They sparkled as though they were made of something otherworldly. In the dimmest light, they shone. _Like Yuuri_ , the thought flitted into Viktor’s mind. Even at his lowest, he shone. In his breakdown on the ice that day, he had shone; his determination and dedication clear to the audience. No one could express that kind of emotion without gaining some respect. Viktor had never shown that side of himself to the audience. He had never gained the respect for his dedication that Yuuri received. They had loved him as the prettiest and the most skilled performer out there. They hadn’t respected him for baring his soul each time he stepped onto the ice. Because he hadn’t. Not always. Not even often. Not like Yuuri.

 

“If you leave –“ Viktor’s voice was no longer angry. It almost broke over the word ‘leave’. He strengthened his resolve and his voice came out stronger. “If you leave. You will have disobeyed your coach and broken your fiancé’s heart.”

 

The first tear fell from the pool of salt water that had been gathering in Yuuri’s eyes.

 

“I don’t know what to do,” Yuuri choked out. His body was stiff and hunched. He hadn’t made any move to be closer to Viktor in his distress, just stood alone and borne the emotional pain.

 

“You don’t have to do anything,” Viktor said, voice soft, whispering, soothing away the harsh silence between them. “Just stay by my side. And have faith that I’m telling the truth when I say ‘I love you’.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you thought!


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